in loving memory...

today is my brother, chris' birthday, he would have been 35 today, had he not taken his own life... in memory of him I want to post my favorite song, it's been such a comfort to me, it's called my Savior my God by aaron shust & the lyrics are amazing & so true, this is his myspace if you want to hear it... http://www.myspace.com/aaronshust
thank you everyone for all of your prayers, love & support through this extremely difficult time in my life & my family's life, to God be the glory...

i am not skilled to understand
what God has willed, what God has planned
i only know at His right hand
stands one who is my Savior

i take Him at His word and deed
Christ died to save me this i read
and in my heart i find a need
for Him to be my Savior
that He would leave His place on high
and come for sinful man to die
you count it strange, so once did i
before i knew my Savior

my Savior loves, my Savior lives
my Savior's always there for me
my God He was, my God He is
my God is always gonna be

yes, living, dying; let me bring
my strength, my solace from this spring
that He who lives to be my King
once died to be my Savior
that He would leave His place on high
and come for sinful man to die
you count it strange, so once did i
before i knew my Savior

my Savior loves, my Savior lives
my Savior's always there for me
my God He was, my God He is
my God is always gonna be

3am ramblings...

alrighty then, so yeah... tomorrow is here and i'm still up, it's 3ish, now you might ask, 'what did you just get home from? wild night huh?' no, no... not really, but i am chatting online with a hot guy ;) jon's at work... what is this world coming to? is a playstation 3 game really worth all of this overtime? yeah it's a bummer.. good thing i'm sick as a dog right now.. lol, wow this blog is sounding like a major debbie downer! i'm watching this old SNL and it's a really good one! they're making fun of the home shopping network, oh my word, it's awesome! ...bela's sleeping on the chair next to me and i have the sliding glass door open, it's actually a nice night :) oh no except for the fact that an old access hollywood is on now, this is weird... ok next... oh wow today is the 13th, so in 6 days it'll be jon and i's 6th year wedding anniversary! wow 6 years! that's awesome! i look at so many Godly people in our lives that have been married so much longer and i know God has so much ahead for jon and i :) i can't wait, i look forward to what the future has for us, for one thing kids! :) we'll see, it's God's planning, not ours, we are very excited :) alrighty then i'm gonna sign off for tonight, hurray! jon's coming home :)

austin baby!

yeah austin! that was a crazy trip! next time if happen to say, i'm gonna jump in a van for 50 hours or so with two young 20 somethings and two little kiddlets, someone please please stop me! no it wasn't that bad :} jon and katie schroeder were GREAT, they got almost no sleep and had so much energy it was amazing! we had a blast checking out downtown austin and the live music scene, it was pretty dang cool :) the kids were good too! hey if i was strapped in a carseat for that many hours i wouldn't have been as good as they were! God most certainly gave us traveling graces! ok so this picture is of katie and i and she's got baby eli in her baby born, we're at the colorado bridge and that's the river below us, it's really wider than that, but it's low now because it's summer... it was SOOO windy! as you can see my fluff was on high alert, my hair wanted to party without me! this picture was taken before sunset and when the sun when down a million bats flew EVERYWHERE it was SO crazy!!! they fly out of the hollow bridge and also... they STUNK, stinked, stank, well whatever they smelled REALLY bad, so we left and got steak :) yeah meat-eaters, yum yum! :) well we made it back and it was great, we'll see if jon wants to go check it out, but next time we're flying!!! :)

july update: still learning

my family is doing well, as well as can be expected for the trial... i think it sinks in every time something new comes up... a few weeks ago we found out that chris told a past girlfriend that lives in ireland what all his plans were, she emailed jennifer at an email address that jennifer never checks 3 times on june 6th telling her everything, he has a gun and is suicidal... the day before...
after chris took his life, jennifer just checked the email account it recently, this is so hard to hear, but in some way it's a strange comfort, that God allowed this to happen... the ireland girlfriend could have called, but didn't, jennifer could have checked randomly, but didn't... this too is a God thing...

last week jennifer, rennon and their 3 boys visited our casa here in north s.d. and that was a real blessing, she brought a matching elephant statue to the one i already had taken from chris' things when we where in clovis, turns out they are salt and pepper shakers! we had a great time... went to the beach and body surfed, it was so relaxing and so beautiful :) the time did remind me though of the fact that chris was supposed to have visited here this summer also... we were last emailing how he wanted to bring his girlfriend tobi and stay for a weekend... it breaks my heart, but i can't 'what if' anything, God is good and His timing is His, not mine... i was just reading something that arthur pink wrote from 'the sovereignty of God' he writes:

"a true recognition of God's sovereignty will avow God's perfect right to do with us as He wills. the one who bows to the pleasure of the Almighty will acknowledge His absolute right to do with us as seemeth Him good. if He chooses to send poverty, sickness, domestic bereavements, even while the heart is bleeding at every pore, it will say, shall not the Judge of all the earth do right! a true recognition of God's sovereignty causes us to hold our every plan in abeyance to God's will. it makes us recognize that the Devine Potter has absolute power over the clay and moulds it according to His one imperial pleasure. it causes us to heed that admonition -- now alas! so generally disregarded -- 'go to now ye that say, today or tomorrow we will go into such a city, and continue there a year, and buy and sell, and get gain: whereas ye know not what shall be on the morrow, for what is your life? it is even a vapor, that appeareth for a little time, and then vanisheth away. for that ye ought to say if the Lord's will, we shall live, and do this, or that' james 4:13-15. yes, it is to the Lord's will, we must bow. it is for Him to determine under what circumstances i shall live -- whether amid wealth or poverty, whether in health or sickness. it is for Him to say how long i shall live -- whether i shall be cut down in youth like a flower of the field, or whether i shall continue for three score and ten years. to really learn this lesson is, by grace, to attain unto a high form in the school of God, and even when we think we have learnt it, we discover, again and again, that we have to relearn it."

i know that was a little long for a blog, but i have been so blessed by it and i hope that your heart has been as well :] ...my dad is doing ok, he talks about chris in short conversations, really with only my mom, then when it gets too difficult for him he stops and is quite… then changes the subject… i am very thankful that he is talking, and my prayer is that this trial will not only bring my parents closer to their God individually, but that their marriage will be stronger as well…

yesterday i went to see my grandpa in the hospital, maybe for the last time, he just got out of the intensive care unit where he almost died, it seems like he may make it back to the veterans care center where he has been living… it was so difficult to see him… especially after my brother’s suicide… i was thinking while looking at him sleeping, does he have Jesus? if he died right now in front of me will i ever see him again? my eyes are filling right now even typing my thoughts… he wasn’t very alert, but my mom was able to talk to him some about if he knew for sure, what he would say to God if he saw Him today… my grandpa said 'Jesus'… then my mom asked, why Jesus, it's because He is the only way to the Father right dad? my grandpa said 'yes'… and this may be all we ever hear, but does he have true salvation, this is what only God knows… pray for him, his name is cal, he will not be with us too much longer, pray that his mind can open so he can understand and that his heart will open so he can accept the gift of the Gospel…

praise God because He has made me grow through these trials, i really don’t think i’ll ever be the same after chris and now seeing my grandpa dying, this is all very stretching, but you know the good kind where you can reach your toes after, where maybe you couldn’t before... praise God!

p.s. please pray for my grandpa (mom's dad) he is dying and is most likely not saved, so pray that he realizes that he is a sinner just like the rest of us and needs Jesus so that God will let him come into heaven... he says that Jesus is God, but even the demons believe that, it's more then just believing... james 2:19 'you believe that there is one God. good! even the demons believe that -- and shudder.'

one of my many prayers to God

"oh my word God! i miss chris so much, it's overwhelming... i haven't seen him in so long, but now i want nothing more than for him to walk through my front door right now and hug me! i'm on my couch right now crying out, Lord help me! my heart aches so badly... he not only ended his life, but stole the rest of his life from everyone that knew him... i miss him so much... oh chris... God give me strength..."

my brother chris took his life

MCKEIGHEN, CHRISTOPHER DANIEL — Services for Christopher Daniel McKeighen, 34, of Palo Alto, formerly of Clovis, will be at 10 a.m. Friday at Infant of Prague Catholic Church in Tollhouse. Mr. McKeighen, an accountant, died Wednesday, June 7. Arrangements are by Boice Funeral Home in Clovis.

Lamentations 3:18b-29 -- “It's a Good Thing to Hope for Help from God. I'll never forget the trouble, the utter lostness, the taste of ashes, the poison I've swallowed. I remember it all - oh, how well I remember - the feeling of hitting the bottom. But there's one other thing I remember, and remembering, I keep a grip on hope: God's loyal love couldn't have run out, His merciful love couldn't have dried up. They're created new every morning. How great your faithfulness! I'm sticking with God (I say it over and over). He's all I've got left. God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits, to the woman who diligently seeks. It's a good thing to quietly hope, quietly hope for help from God. It's a good thing when you're young to stick it out through the hard times. When life is heavy and hard to take, go off by yourself. Enter the silence. Bow in prayer. Don't ask questions: Wait for hope to appear.”

a letter to my big brother after i knew...

hey chris, i wrote back to your email not realizing it was your last goodbye...
i didn't understand, i never would have thought...

i called your cell phone praying that you would pick up, hoping that what mom told me wasn't true... i left a voice mail crying, so broken... "chris please please call me! tell me this isn't true! call me back! i love you chris! i love you!"

you took your life! you murdered yourself! you shot yourself in your jeep??? i can hardly believe this! my God help me! chris, you were so handsome, tall 6'3" dark hair, so handsome... you had everything going for you, why would you do this? you took your own life? oh chris!!! did you have no hope? none at all? (1 Peter 3:15-18) you know your family all loved you very much, but i guess that wasn't enough... i hope that you knew Christ before you killed yourself, like the thief on the cross who accepted Christ while hanging next to Jesus dying on the cross (Luke 23:42&43)... you had a lifetime full of sin, but only with Christ, while breathing your last breath would you be saved... you were just like me…
a sinner…

Romans 3:23 “For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God”.
Romans 6:23 “For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life
in Jesus Christ our Lord”.
Hebrews 9:27 “It is appointed unto men once to die, but after this the judgment”.

i was thinking today, tomorrow will be two weeks since you committed suicide... how can one word "suicide" sum up all that has happened... people ask me, "are you ok?" ...shrug, yes... I don’t know, my brother shot himself…

i hadn't seen you in a few years, you lived in palo alto and very busy... but we wrote emails often and chatted online a couple times... you sounded so happy... i hadn't seen you, but now all i want to do is see you... i have a couple small things that were yours and it's weird for them to be here at my house now... i look at your pictures and see my brother, tall and strong... but never again in life... at least this life... and you gave such good hugs!!!

my eyes fill and weep... God help me... i trust my God with everything that i am, You my Savior are my strength and hold me up every second of the day... i really never knew what it really meant to depend on the Lord like this... He is my rock!

chris, i helped pick out your clothes to be buried in, i know what you are wearing in your grave right now... but your soul in no longer there! you have already bowed your knee in the presence of the almighty God! i pray that your knee bowed with confidence in your salvation, but if it didn't... oh chris... free will...

chris, God knew from the beginning of time, before you were even born that you would take your own life, He allowed you to make your choice... there were so many people that could have interrupted your plan chris, but now what? now you will never have the family of your own, that you always wanted, now you will never have kids of your own, you will never have the chance to get to know me better, to see my children, your nieces & nephews... they will never know an uncle chris...

i was there when we picked the plot for your body to be buried at, i was there to see you dead if I wanted to, i couldn’t… i was there all week with our family and i went to your funeral, read the Bible at your service… i was never alone, God was with me, carrying me through every breath, every step, in Christ’s strength…

i hate the murderer that killed my brother, but that person is you... then how can i hate? i love you! i trust my God and know that He is good! i have to hold on to His promises and plan... I hope that you knew my God, my Jesus…

the fact that you killed yourself is so small, compared to my longing to know if you had salvation in Christ, the only way to Heaven... if i had a choice of knowing why you shot yourself or if you had true salvation it would be no contest! i want to know if i will ever see you again! i have to trust that God is loving and just and perfect, i have no other choice, the Bible is true and perfect and i have to trust that with every breath during the happy times and sad times...

big brother, what else can be said? words are never enough, i will love you always, this past week was the hardest of my life, God was still good even through this incredibly sad time... my heart continues to break and my God continues to be good... miss you so much chris!!!

love always in Christ, your lil' sis, heidi

i hope to see you again soon

Romans 10:9-10 "If you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved."

As my sister jennifer said at chris’ service, choose this day who you will serve…

choose…

Joshua 24:15 “Choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your forefathers served beyond the river, or the gods of the amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord."

please write me if you have any questions or comments… also below are some great links to answer anything that you don’t want to write me about…

http://www.shadowmountain.org/scontent.asp?mid=80&id=3715

http://www.gracechurch.org/home/stop.asp?ministry_id=1

the picture below is of jackson (tobi's son), chris (age 34) and girlfriend tobi taken in february 2006...

My first BLOG!

hey everybody, this is my first blog, we'll see if this goes anywhere :)

all my love in Christ Jesus, heidi :)