july update: still learning

my family is doing well, as well as can be expected for the trial... i think it sinks in every time something new comes up... a few weeks ago we found out that chris told a past girlfriend that lives in ireland what all his plans were, she emailed jennifer at an email address that jennifer never checks 3 times on june 6th telling her everything, he has a gun and is suicidal... the day before...
after chris took his life, jennifer just checked the email account it recently, this is so hard to hear, but in some way it's a strange comfort, that God allowed this to happen... the ireland girlfriend could have called, but didn't, jennifer could have checked randomly, but didn't... this too is a God thing...

last week jennifer, rennon and their 3 boys visited our casa here in north s.d. and that was a real blessing, she brought a matching elephant statue to the one i already had taken from chris' things when we where in clovis, turns out they are salt and pepper shakers! we had a great time... went to the beach and body surfed, it was so relaxing and so beautiful :) the time did remind me though of the fact that chris was supposed to have visited here this summer also... we were last emailing how he wanted to bring his girlfriend tobi and stay for a weekend... it breaks my heart, but i can't 'what if' anything, God is good and His timing is His, not mine... i was just reading something that arthur pink wrote from 'the sovereignty of God' he writes:

"a true recognition of God's sovereignty will avow God's perfect right to do with us as He wills. the one who bows to the pleasure of the Almighty will acknowledge His absolute right to do with us as seemeth Him good. if He chooses to send poverty, sickness, domestic bereavements, even while the heart is bleeding at every pore, it will say, shall not the Judge of all the earth do right! a true recognition of God's sovereignty causes us to hold our every plan in abeyance to God's will. it makes us recognize that the Devine Potter has absolute power over the clay and moulds it according to His one imperial pleasure. it causes us to heed that admonition -- now alas! so generally disregarded -- 'go to now ye that say, today or tomorrow we will go into such a city, and continue there a year, and buy and sell, and get gain: whereas ye know not what shall be on the morrow, for what is your life? it is even a vapor, that appeareth for a little time, and then vanisheth away. for that ye ought to say if the Lord's will, we shall live, and do this, or that' james 4:13-15. yes, it is to the Lord's will, we must bow. it is for Him to determine under what circumstances i shall live -- whether amid wealth or poverty, whether in health or sickness. it is for Him to say how long i shall live -- whether i shall be cut down in youth like a flower of the field, or whether i shall continue for three score and ten years. to really learn this lesson is, by grace, to attain unto a high form in the school of God, and even when we think we have learnt it, we discover, again and again, that we have to relearn it."

i know that was a little long for a blog, but i have been so blessed by it and i hope that your heart has been as well :] ...my dad is doing ok, he talks about chris in short conversations, really with only my mom, then when it gets too difficult for him he stops and is quite… then changes the subject… i am very thankful that he is talking, and my prayer is that this trial will not only bring my parents closer to their God individually, but that their marriage will be stronger as well…

yesterday i went to see my grandpa in the hospital, maybe for the last time, he just got out of the intensive care unit where he almost died, it seems like he may make it back to the veterans care center where he has been living… it was so difficult to see him… especially after my brother’s suicide… i was thinking while looking at him sleeping, does he have Jesus? if he died right now in front of me will i ever see him again? my eyes are filling right now even typing my thoughts… he wasn’t very alert, but my mom was able to talk to him some about if he knew for sure, what he would say to God if he saw Him today… my grandpa said 'Jesus'… then my mom asked, why Jesus, it's because He is the only way to the Father right dad? my grandpa said 'yes'… and this may be all we ever hear, but does he have true salvation, this is what only God knows… pray for him, his name is cal, he will not be with us too much longer, pray that his mind can open so he can understand and that his heart will open so he can accept the gift of the Gospel…

praise God because He has made me grow through these trials, i really don’t think i’ll ever be the same after chris and now seeing my grandpa dying, this is all very stretching, but you know the good kind where you can reach your toes after, where maybe you couldn’t before... praise God!

p.s. please pray for my grandpa (mom's dad) he is dying and is most likely not saved, so pray that he realizes that he is a sinner just like the rest of us and needs Jesus so that God will let him come into heaven... he says that Jesus is God, but even the demons believe that, it's more then just believing... james 2:19 'you believe that there is one God. good! even the demons believe that -- and shudder.'