my brother chris took his life

MCKEIGHEN, CHRISTOPHER DANIEL — Services for Christopher Daniel McKeighen, 34, of Palo Alto, formerly of Clovis, will be at 10 a.m. Friday at Infant of Prague Catholic Church in Tollhouse. Mr. McKeighen, an accountant, died Wednesday, June 7. Arrangements are by Boice Funeral Home in Clovis.

Lamentations 3:18b-29 -- “It's a Good Thing to Hope for Help from God. I'll never forget the trouble, the utter lostness, the taste of ashes, the poison I've swallowed. I remember it all - oh, how well I remember - the feeling of hitting the bottom. But there's one other thing I remember, and remembering, I keep a grip on hope: God's loyal love couldn't have run out, His merciful love couldn't have dried up. They're created new every morning. How great your faithfulness! I'm sticking with God (I say it over and over). He's all I've got left. God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits, to the woman who diligently seeks. It's a good thing to quietly hope, quietly hope for help from God. It's a good thing when you're young to stick it out through the hard times. When life is heavy and hard to take, go off by yourself. Enter the silence. Bow in prayer. Don't ask questions: Wait for hope to appear.”

a letter to my big brother after i knew...

hey chris, i wrote back to your email not realizing it was your last goodbye...
i didn't understand, i never would have thought...

i called your cell phone praying that you would pick up, hoping that what mom told me wasn't true... i left a voice mail crying, so broken... "chris please please call me! tell me this isn't true! call me back! i love you chris! i love you!"

you took your life! you murdered yourself! you shot yourself in your jeep??? i can hardly believe this! my God help me! chris, you were so handsome, tall 6'3" dark hair, so handsome... you had everything going for you, why would you do this? you took your own life? oh chris!!! did you have no hope? none at all? (1 Peter 3:15-18) you know your family all loved you very much, but i guess that wasn't enough... i hope that you knew Christ before you killed yourself, like the thief on the cross who accepted Christ while hanging next to Jesus dying on the cross (Luke 23:42&43)... you had a lifetime full of sin, but only with Christ, while breathing your last breath would you be saved... you were just like me…
a sinner…

Romans 3:23 “For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God”.
Romans 6:23 “For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life
in Jesus Christ our Lord”.
Hebrews 9:27 “It is appointed unto men once to die, but after this the judgment”.

i was thinking today, tomorrow will be two weeks since you committed suicide... how can one word "suicide" sum up all that has happened... people ask me, "are you ok?" ...shrug, yes... I don’t know, my brother shot himself…

i hadn't seen you in a few years, you lived in palo alto and very busy... but we wrote emails often and chatted online a couple times... you sounded so happy... i hadn't seen you, but now all i want to do is see you... i have a couple small things that were yours and it's weird for them to be here at my house now... i look at your pictures and see my brother, tall and strong... but never again in life... at least this life... and you gave such good hugs!!!

my eyes fill and weep... God help me... i trust my God with everything that i am, You my Savior are my strength and hold me up every second of the day... i really never knew what it really meant to depend on the Lord like this... He is my rock!

chris, i helped pick out your clothes to be buried in, i know what you are wearing in your grave right now... but your soul in no longer there! you have already bowed your knee in the presence of the almighty God! i pray that your knee bowed with confidence in your salvation, but if it didn't... oh chris... free will...

chris, God knew from the beginning of time, before you were even born that you would take your own life, He allowed you to make your choice... there were so many people that could have interrupted your plan chris, but now what? now you will never have the family of your own, that you always wanted, now you will never have kids of your own, you will never have the chance to get to know me better, to see my children, your nieces & nephews... they will never know an uncle chris...

i was there when we picked the plot for your body to be buried at, i was there to see you dead if I wanted to, i couldn’t… i was there all week with our family and i went to your funeral, read the Bible at your service… i was never alone, God was with me, carrying me through every breath, every step, in Christ’s strength…

i hate the murderer that killed my brother, but that person is you... then how can i hate? i love you! i trust my God and know that He is good! i have to hold on to His promises and plan... I hope that you knew my God, my Jesus…

the fact that you killed yourself is so small, compared to my longing to know if you had salvation in Christ, the only way to Heaven... if i had a choice of knowing why you shot yourself or if you had true salvation it would be no contest! i want to know if i will ever see you again! i have to trust that God is loving and just and perfect, i have no other choice, the Bible is true and perfect and i have to trust that with every breath during the happy times and sad times...

big brother, what else can be said? words are never enough, i will love you always, this past week was the hardest of my life, God was still good even through this incredibly sad time... my heart continues to break and my God continues to be good... miss you so much chris!!!

love always in Christ, your lil' sis, heidi

i hope to see you again soon

Romans 10:9-10 "If you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved."

As my sister jennifer said at chris’ service, choose this day who you will serve…

choose…

Joshua 24:15 “Choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your forefathers served beyond the river, or the gods of the amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord."

please write me if you have any questions or comments… also below are some great links to answer anything that you don’t want to write me about…

http://www.shadowmountain.org/scontent.asp?mid=80&id=3715

http://www.gracechurch.org/home/stop.asp?ministry_id=1

the picture below is of jackson (tobi's son), chris (age 34) and girlfriend tobi taken in february 2006...